I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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