I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
