I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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