"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
