I just threw up on my dentist
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
