escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
