Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
