Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
