My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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