I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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