Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
