I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
