I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
