sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
