Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
