I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
