So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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