My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
