So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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