Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
too bad you live with your parents still
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
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We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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