We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
