Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
