i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the condom got lost in my hair
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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