why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
