What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
