btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Shitshow foam night was such a success
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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