I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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