Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
