And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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