i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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