Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
