she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
