Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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