Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
