dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
