i was born a porn star she said
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
