Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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