I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
