I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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