Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
