Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
