I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
