Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
