btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
