is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Randomize
