I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
