My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
