every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
