I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
