Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
