I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
