This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
