I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
