I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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