this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
