you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
