tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
