Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I forget how to act sober
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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