Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
