i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So much Jack, so little girl.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
