life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
me + whiskey = a bad person
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
