U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize
