he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
