dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
