just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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